Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
