he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
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