Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
