you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
