Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
