Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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