oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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