I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
