your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
