tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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