If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
