um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Randomize
