Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
