yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
