Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
He called his prostate his "boner button".
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
