He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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