We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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