please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
