youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
