oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
