You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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