Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
