...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
