Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
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