So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
