Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
All the doctor said was why
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
