i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
