dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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