I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
