Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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