I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
