is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
