I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
