I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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