So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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