I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
