Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
