have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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