also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
