I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Randomize
