Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize