no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
