the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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