I look better un-naked...
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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