you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
