As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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