just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
