How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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