i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
