I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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