The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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