my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize