I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
did i walk over a car last night?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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