Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
