I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
